Setting boundaries is hard!
Why is it so hard for some people to say "no" or "I can't." I'm one of those people who grew up in a family with absolutely no boundaries. And unfortunately was never taught anything about them until my late 20's. Fast forward years and years of life's circumstances, therapy, and co-dependency course completion; I'm finally at a place where I now understand and can see how vital it is to set up boundaries, not only for my mental well-being, my relationships with others, but life as a whole. And after years, it doesn't get easier for me. Learning to say "no" each time gets easier, but it's in the actual process of "setting up" or "drawing/keeping the line" that is still so very hard for me.
In the process of setting with someone, I often feel guilty, mean, aggressive, angry and in the moment while realizing this... comes the apologizing, minimizing, and softening my voice. Then eventually, sometimes, I allow that boundary to fade or I move the line just a bit further.
My Mom called me this morning to borrow money for a down payment on a car. I would have no problem usually in lending it, but this time I see setting a boundary is really for her safety and others. She is no longer able to safely drive on the road in her elderly condition. I side stepped in responding with an immediate answer by asking her about a plan to pay me back. After some discussion, in attempting to explain that her plan didn't make any sense (because it involved borrowing money from a multitude of people), I sensed her becoming angry. I immediately notice the toxic pattern stirring within me (also becoming angry, frustrated, and wanting to "give in"), but I continue try to set the boundary (I need a logical plan in how she would pay me back). The moment I don't give in to her request, the manipulation begins. The moment I request she have a more effective plan so that I can make a better decision, she becomes angry and hostile, and attempts to "write me off." She snapped, "You know what! Never mind, I don't want any money from you, just forget it." This time as opposed to how I used to react; I respond, "Mom, don't get angry. You seem insulted. I'm not trying to insult you. You need a more thought-out plan. I need to know what that plan is, so I can better understand the situation." She now wants to get off of the phone with me. I end the call with "I love you."
Our brains are so wired to return to who we once were, with the people we grew up with. Some of us return to our old habits, our old ways of thinking forgetting that we have a choice to be better, to think different, to say "no," "I can't," or even "I'm not willing to."
In all of this, I'm proud of myself, but really dislike what I sensed in my aggressive tone towards my Mom; reminding me of a stern parent trying to teach their manipulative teenager.
A little later, I ended up calling her back at the recommendation of my awesome hubby. I apologized for sounding so harsh, and expressed my heart. I let her know that I'm on her side, and around to support her; not to make her feel stressed, or judged. I feel better and so does she.
Still, looking back on it, I could have simply stated that I couldn't lend her the money for her own safety. Instead, I chose to "re-direct" her hoping she'd see the logic (or lack thereof) in her plan, fully knowing I wasn't going to lend her any money. I guess sometimes... baby steps.
