Relapse? Really?
Is this really happening, after 10+ years? A recovering codependent which also means, a recovering perfectionist; a recovering enabler; a recovering self minimizer and the list goes on. But how is it after so many years of therapy and hard work, learning to set boundaries, developing new beliefs and habits did I come right back to square one? When I mention that it's the relationship with my mother that I'm struggling with, it all makes sense according to "Psych 101." I ended up at square one with the very person I began my enmeshment and toxic behavior patterns with.
After all the recent gift giving, rehearsed phone calls, and being vulnerable I didn't even realize I was being pulled back in, one manipulation tactic at a time (both from myself and my mom). I knew something was wrong, like an old tight ill fitting blouse that makes you feel so self conscious and uncomfortable, constantly having to adjust every moment of the day you have it on. I made excuses and pushed my feelings aside, "I let go and let God."
Recently, I made my mom a big life changing offer, not to be taken lightly. I provided her the option of moving in with me and my family. She's in SoCal and I'm in NorCal, this would be a definite adjustment, but one I'm willing to make. I wanted her to feel loved, cared for, wanted. It wasn't until my niece told me what she said about it that I had a realization of just how many steps back I've taken. It was during this conversation that I felt like I was 10 years old all over again. Trying hard to please my mom in order to make her feel better, in order to solve her problems, in order to make her proud and feel that all was well in her life recently became my goal. I lost sight of myself in our relationship and focused on her, my compassion and empathy had turned to offering advise, fixing, and enablement.
I learned that she turned my slightly genuine (if I'm being honest) offer into something so negative. Her words, "I'd never go live there... I'd be on my death bed before moving there...how boring." How could someone make this kind gesture into something awful? It hit me, only a person who believes that nothing is ever good enough; someone who will almost always never be satisfied. I heard an old ugly tape playing in my head, "nothing you do will ever be good enough," "nothing you give her, tell her, or do for her will ever be good enough,"... ugh! "you are not good enough." I was crushed. After much struggle and torment for days, I thought about it in another unhealthy way (i.e. black and white thinking). I thought about actually cutting ties with her. This was an insurmountable struggle to go alone. I decided to process with my Jesus, my life coach, and attend Codependent Anonymous meetings ("CoDA).
Fast forward a bit, I'm much better now. I turned back into the adult I've come to grow and nurture throughout these recovering years. In all the processing I've come to realize it doesn't have to be black and white. I'm proud of myself that I've done all I can and continue to do the best I can in our relationship, and I'm satisfied in that. I can choose to call her if I want, I can choose to not. I can choose to send her gifts, I can choose otherwise. Today I'm good not calling, maybe I'll call tomorrow. This is all well and good for me; however, I'm left saddened by the fact that she is someone who might never change, in that she will continually live the rest of her life struggling, negatively speaking about others and nothing will ever satisfy her. This I will have to learn to accept as her struggle is not mine to take on.
