Outfits of Perspective
In my last coaching session I did an exercise where I envisioned trying on different “outfits.” These outfits were the “jumpsuit of judgement” and the “SoCal so chill, so cool skater.” What led to this exercise was the discovery one of my main trait struggles, negative judgement. I stood with the feeling of what judgement felt like for me, it turned out to be a shiny fuchsia full body suit, made of spandex and so restrictive. Once I identified the look and feel, we delve into explorative questions about how I'd like to be around others, and in life; what I'd like to wear, what's comfortable for me. I began to describe the fun and laid back vibe of my SoCal upbringing. A chill, cool skater, wearing board shorts, a comfy tee, a pair of Vans and my glam hairdo and red lip of course (I'd now like to revise to wearing some baggy Dickies ). The point was to be able to identify and shift my perspectives; to identify who I'd like to offer to people, who I'd like to be for them, while simultaneously just relaxing and being who I am authentically. I learned that much of the time my personality tends to be a chameleon of sorts, assuming different roles for different situations; although there are ways of behaving depending on the situation with various discourse communities, I sometimes tend to think in terms of black/white and inflexible.
My assignment was to change outfits during opportunities in which I'd normally wear a “jumpsuit of judgement” and put on the “SoCal skater” (i.e. me authentically). Only hours after my coaching session, I was to meet my son's girlfriend for the first time. I had high expectations and a bias of her personality from what my son told me and pictures I've seen. From the moment she walked through the door; I immediately changed outfits (quickly in my mind). I found I was much more open and accepting of the things I'd normally be highly critical of. I believe this allowed her to open up and be herself, along with feeling welcome. We had a good meet.
Days later, I had more opportunities with my girlfriend (of 20+ years) and my Mom. In both cases, I could have easily defaulted to my existing biases with each; however, I chose otherwise. With my girlfriend I decided to express myself and confront an ongoing issue only to realize during the conversation that my willingness to be open/accepting helped me see her struggle. My selfishness of how I felt turned into sadness and sympathy (as she is still living in the toxic life I used to be). Our conversation went well and I was able to accept that in this season of life, it's ok that we aren't close.
My Mom “situation” resulted in similar feelings (sad/sympathetic), but also empathetic to her current season of life (age 74). This situation was so tough, as I felt like a parent, in that I had to help her learn how to help herself. She didn't take it well initially, but surprisingly called me later in the day to tell me how she did what I suggested and wanted to let me know how it turned out.
This “change of outfits” exercise is easier for me to remember versus the simple words of “shift your paradigm”... “just think positive”... “don't judge,” etc. I suggest trying it out to see if this is something that you too can easily remember to do in the moment.
