Vulnerable insight

I often wondered why it bothered me so when my friends wouldn't ask for my help or receive my offers to give it.  It near offends me to my core.  I believe that if someone won't accept help or a gift, then the other person is truly robbing the giver of being a blessing.

I realized why it bothers me so immensely, because at the root of my being I am a "servant at heart."  I believe that one of my main purposes in life is to give to and help others; to serve them.  So when someone attempts to pay me back after I have gifted them anything feels like a slap in the face.  I give out of the genuine desire to serve others, not to receive anything in return.  

In our American society, it seems to me, generally, that being "independent" or not needing anything from anyone, especially help, is viewed as near heroic.  Some people are proud of this.  I used to be one of those proud people.  In my life's experiences, I have grown to believe that vulnerability is a strength and see that it's necessary for building meaningful connections with others.  In this vulnerability is a willingness to put myself "out there" and ask for help when I need it.  

Maybe I can learn that just because I am vulnerable and seek out the advise of others, doesn't mean others will do the same or even want to.  It's definitely a complex issue of perspective, as many have had experiences in vulnerability which might have led to a differing opinion on the matter.  I have had many of those types of experiences, but as I get older I begin to realize that no matter what experiences (both negative and positive) I want to choose to be someone better.  I want to be someone caring, compassionate, and vulnerable for others.  I've been the stoic, unapproachable, and "strong" emotionally unavailable type; it was a very lonely place to be.    

I believe allowing others to be there for you is an endearing quality.  One I'd like to be known to possess.